I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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