my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
