you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
