You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
