In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
the day after is always just damage control
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
