Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
