Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
