I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
