Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
