OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize