I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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