I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
