i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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