He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
