my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
