I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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