why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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