That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
