Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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