When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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