Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
