I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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