Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
