I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
