why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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