my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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