1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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