I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
