i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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