The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
