I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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