im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
