i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
