Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
