me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
