Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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