And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
