I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
