I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
