Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
