remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
