I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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