You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
