I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
