and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
