Where is the hickey?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
