this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
