I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize