This is not my ceiling
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Every concussion has its silver lining
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
