Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
