Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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