Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
