You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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