I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
