And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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