Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
