yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
