I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
