Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
