I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
