i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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